


And You Let Him Go

by coffeeflavoredtears



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Gay Panic, Heartbreak, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-15 02:03:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19285855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeflavoredtears/pseuds/coffeeflavoredtears
Summary: Alexander's life was almost perfect. The perfect boyfriend, the perfect friend group, and the perfect family. His life was going great.Until it wasn't.And everything fell apart.(REWRITE OF ONLY KNOW YOU LOVE HIM WHEN YOU LET HIM GO)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Before we begin this I'd like o thak my two amazing cheerleaders who have helped me through so much, and who keep encouraging my bullshit angst and heartbreak. <3 You know who you two are ;P

Alexander walked into his dorm with a smile on his face. It was like any other Friday night, meaning he and his friends would be having their usual movie night in his dorm. His boyfriend, John had an arm wrapped around his waist and was still chuckling at a joke one of their friends, Hercules had made.

"I swear to god, have you seen a horse's dick?" He said, a wide smile on his face, John snickering with a large smile. "It's fucking huge."

"I dunno, You haven't seen John's dick." Alexander said in a serious tone, moving away from John to go get his laptop and the cable to connect it to the TV. At this comment, John turned pink and both Hercules and Lafayette, their other friend, broke into fits of laughter.

As they all moved to the couch, Alexander's roommate, Thomas came out of their bedroom, which had two separate beds on either side of the room, They had gotten lucky getting a dorm with a separate room, as some of them just had beds in the common area, and kitchen, which was basically just a small stove with no one, a toaster oven, and a microwave, Alexander's coffee maker sitting in the corner out of the way as they had very little counter space.

Thomas took one glance at them and scoffed, rolling his eyes as he grabbed his phone and wallet from the counter, leaving the room with a small growl. Alexander simply rolled his eyes when he heard him leave, moving back to John after he opened up Netflix and played a random movie in his recommended.

Sitting down with a smile, Alexander cuddled into John's side, John wrapping an arm around him and holding him close.  _"Tu es mignon." (You are cute.)_  Lafayette said to them with a smile, his French coming out as they all got comfortable. Alexander and Lafayette were close partially because of it. They had met when Alexander was 12 and Lafayette was 13. They had both come from other countries to the Washingtons' household, both orphans and alone in a new place. While Lafayette had arrived a year before Alexander, they were still as close as can be. When they had first met, Lafayette had been barely able to understand basic English, and at the time they had agreed that if Alexander helped teach Lafayette English, Lafayette would help Alexander make friends and get comfortable in America.

It had worked well. Lafayette had introduced Alexander to John and Hercules, both of whom being excited to meet him and Alexander taught Lafayette how to speak English fluently, growing up speaking several languages, including English, French, and Spanish. Seven years later Lafayette was fluent and the four of them were still as close as can be. They still sometimes spoke in French when they didn't want their conversation to be overheard or when they were hanging out as a group, Hercules and John picking up little bits over the years.

_"Nous sommes ne mignon pas!" (We are not cute!)_  Alexander responded, blushing lightly.

"English." John told them with a smile, laughing softly at Alexander's face.

"Laf started it." Alex said, crossing his arms and hiding his face in John's side.

"Can we just watch the movie?" Hercules asked as Lafayette opened his mouth to argue.

"Okay, okay, fine." Lafayette huffed playfully as he turned back to the movie, Alexander looking up to start watching the movie.

The rest of the movie was calm and quiet, Alexander nodding off a few times during the movie as the time passed. By the end of it Alexander had fallen asleep completely, John holding onto him closely.

...

John held onto Alexander until the movie was over. By the time it was, he was the only one still awake. Carefully getting up so Alexander wasn't disturbed, John grabbed his wallet and his spare key, leaving the dorm silently. Taking a breath as he walked out of the building, John started the walk to the nearby liquor store.

It didn't take too long to get there, the three block walk being short enough to do in fifteen minutes. When he got in he went straight to the back, taking a cold beer out of the refrigerators and going up front to pay. John handed the guy the cash and left. He knew he shouldn't be drinking again. He knew it always caused problems for him, but one beer wouldn't hurt, right? He's not going to get drunk off one beer.

Opening it up, he leaned against the wall outside the liquor store as he took a sip. Even if he thought it was okay, he knew Alex would be upset if he found out he was drinking even one drink. It was part of the reason they never went to bars together.

A few years prior, when they had been only sixteen, John's mother had passed away. He was torn apart by it, as his mother had been the only one growing up who had cared for him. He was usually the one taking care of others. When she had passed away, he had started stealing whatever he could from his father's liquor cabinet, getting wasted every night and drinking little bits throughout the day while at school.

Alexander had been the first one to find out what had been going on when he'd taken a sip from John's water bottle, only to find out it was filled with watered down vodka a year and a half after he'd lost his mother. Alexander being too smart for his own good, finally connected the dots as to why John was always out of it, and changed so much after his mother passed. He'd went home with John that night and raided the entire house for any alcohol, despite John's protests he was fine.

John didn't speak to Alexander for almost a month after that, even when Alexander would come every week to make sure he hadn't continued to drink. When he finally processed Alexander was only helping him he'd broken down again, thinking his rudeness to him had not only ruined their relationship, but their friendship. He'd cried for hours, yet Alexander had sat with him and assured him he was okay.

From that day on John had felt he was almost in debt to Alexander. He had helped him through everything, despite still working through losing his own mother six years before John lost his. To him, Alexander was a saint, and when he needed John when he had been discovered to be self harming, John had helped him to work through it. They were each other's better halves.

As John sipped on his beer, someone walked up to him. He had no clue who it was, but whoever it was had a hand in his jacket, and was glaring at John. Panicking, he turned to start back to the dorm, but was stopped by the man grabbing his arm and pressing something cold and sharp into his back.

Letting out a yelp, John froze, terrified as to what was going to happen to him. He didn't know anyone who would want to hurt him. "John Laurens." The man said in a cold tone, his voice like gravel. "I've been looking for you."

...

Thomas had been about to go to his room to work on homework when he heard the door open, Alexander and his friends rolling into the dorm. With a huff, he grabbed his laptop form his room and made to leave, scoffing as he saw Alexander and John. He could never stand either of them, especially when they were together. They always acted so sweet, and he knew there was no way any couple could be so sickeningly sweet together.

Walking out the door, he grabbed his phone and wallet and left, making his way to his friend James' dorm. he knew for sure he'd be there alone, most likely waiting for him, as John was his roommate and he'd just watched him walk in with Alexander.

It didn't take long to get there, and when he did he only knocked once before the door swung open, James standing on the other side. "They picked up John like ten minutes ago." He said, stepping aside as Thomas walked inside.

"Understandable." He replied, plopping onto the couch, James sitting next to him. "It's so obnoxious when they're at the dorm together. Like, I have never seen them argue. It's not right." Thomas complained, James rolling his eyes.

"You need to stop being so dense. Would you rather them have shouting matches in the dorm while you're trying to get work done?"

"Well, no, but-"

James sighed. "I'm friends with a total dumbass." he muttered. "You're so dense. I've seen you staring at Alexander during classes. Unlike you I notice things."

Thomas looked at him in surprise. "I don't stare at him! He's a damn gremlin who's going to end up dead from only consuming coffee. It's no joke. I live with the fucker and all I've seen him consume is coffee. He was an entire cabinet of coffee. It's concerning."

"You wouldn't care if you hated him as much as you claim."

"I-"

"Admit it Thomas. I knew you were a disaster but damn, this is next level. Just fuck him and get it out of your system or something." James told him, looking over to him.

"But John would kill me, James. You also know Alexander wouldn't as long as John's around." Thomas reasoned. He wouldn't admit he actually wanted to take James' advice and go fuck Alexander, because maybe thats what he needed to get the thoughts out of his system. Some simple hate sex. It might be enjoyable as well to see John's reaction, knowing he had done anything really with Alexander.

"Just try alright? I'm starting to get annoyed with all your complaining about John and Alexander being together. We all know you want to fuck Alexander, there's no reason to keep bugging me about it when you can go do something about it." James stood up. "I'm gonna head to bed. You know where the spare pillows and blankets are if you want to stay the night."

Thomas nodded. "Alright. Night, then."

"Night." James replied before leaving Thomas alone, sitting on the couch to think everything through.

It sounded amazing, finally taking what he had been secretly going after for years, yet some part of him told him that it would be wrong to do something like that to the both of them, even if Alexander was fine with it. His final decision was he'd get Alex drunk or something to see if he'd even want to. He'd seen his roommate drunk before and he knew he got brutally honest when he did. It was a good idea.

...

"Break his heart."


	2. Chapter 2

Alexander woke up the next morning alone. It was odd. Usually after movie nights John spent the night. Looking around, He didn’t see John making coffee, and the bathroom door was open with the light off. Lafayette and Hercules were asleep on the floor, though John was no where to be seen. 

He got up quietly and looked in his room, hoping John had gone in to do something the night before and falling asleep, but all he found was an empty room. On his way back to the living room to find his phone, hoping he might have left to get them all breakfast like he sometimes did when it was just the two of them, he noticed Thomas’ door cracked open and his roommate asleep in bed.

Thomas never stayed in the dorm when John was there, and with a new flush of worry, he rushed to get his phone, calling John as soon as he got ahold of it. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Voicemail. He had been sent to voicemail. John always answered when he called, and when he didn’t it took longer to be sent to voicemail. he had been ignored.

It only worried him more. What had he done? He thought the night before had been just fine. Sliding on his shoes and a sweater Alex rushed over to John’s dorm, using his spare key to get in. When he came in he saw John sitting on the couch on his laptop, barely sparing a glance when Alexander came inside.

“What are you doing here?” John asked as Alexander watched him, worry and relief on his face. 

“You weren’t there when I woke up and you didn’t answer my call. I wanted to make sure you were okay…” He explained, going over and sitting next to him, John flinching and scooting away when he did. “John…?”Alexander questioned, frowning.

“You need to leave.” John said, voice empty of emotion.

“I’m not gonna leave until I know you’re okay. Did I do something?” He asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Just leave okay? It’s better if you don’t come back as well.” John muttered, no emotion in his tone. “Just leave your key on the counter on your way out.”

Alexander didn’t believe what he was hearing. He didn’t believe John was breaking up with him. That couldn’t be what was happening. Everything was perfectly fine the night before, when he’d fallen asleep. “John? What are you saying? You were alright last night. What happened between then and now?”

“I thought about it and it just wasn’t working. We’re through. You’re too much to deal with, always getting upset and forgetting to take care of yourself. Now get out of my dorm. I have a paper to write.” He repeated, not looking up to Alexander, who was in tears. with shaky hands, he undid the key and got up, leaving it on the counter as he rushed out of the dorm, running back to his own and going straight to his room, shutting and locking the door.

He didn't believe it. John would never end things like that.  _ But he’s right, _ a small voice told him.  _ You’re always so needy. He has to remind you to eat.  _ With a silent sob, Alexander ignored Lafayette knocking and asking him if he was okay. He wasn’t. He knew it. He had relied so much on John, who had helped him through so much. Everything felt like it was caving in on him. 

If John thought he was too needy and was too much, what would Lafayette think? Lafayette, who had to deal with him for years. He probably thought the same thing. Nobody cared about him. His father was probably right. He didn’t deserve a thing. Nobody could really ever care of him. John was just done putting up with him. He would never have anyone, and he knew it. 

Before Alexander knew it he was feeling lightheaded, not noticing he had been hyperventilating. He quickly fainted, his body hitting the floor with a loud thud as everything went dark.

…

When Alexander woke up he was in the hospital. Bright light was shining through the curtains, showing that it was probably some time in the afternoon. Cursing silently to himself, he carefully sat up, his head pounding. Sitting next to him was probably the oddest pair of people he had ever seen. Lafayette was asleep on the couch, and reading a book quietly in a chair was Thomas, who hadn’t seemed to notice he was awake yet. A sharp pain shot through his head causing him to yelp in pain, Thomas looking up from the book he had been reading.

“Oh, shit.” he said, getting up and grabbing a bottle of water sitting on the small counter next to the sink, opening it and handing it to Alexander. “Drink this, I’ll go get a nurse…” 

Hesitantly, Alexander took the water and took a small sip, his head still throbbing. “Why are you here?” He asked curiously, his voice quiet as it still sounded like he was shouting inside his own head.

“Lafayette couldn’t get into your room, nobody could get ahold of John, and Hercules needed to get to work. I was worried.” He explained, leaving the room before Alexander could respond to him, though the reminder of John hurt, another round of tears welling in his eyes as he started breathing again, his mind reeling and going paces he didn’t want to go.

He was spiraling down again. farther and farther down and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He heard Lafayette waking up and a loud beeping. It wasn’t helping his splitting headache. Footsteps running into the room. Someone laying him down again and voices. He couldn’t understand what they were saying.  _ They’re talking about you _ . A voice in his head told him.  _ You’re just a burden to them. Now you’re causing worry to your roommate. He shouldn’t have to worry about your idiot self. _

_ I know _ . He told himself and the voice.  _ I’m just causing more worry.  _ He felt everything going dark again for a moment, his eyes closing as the blurred figures disappeared.

…

He woke up again, the light from the windows gone. It was dark outside now. This time he was alone in the room, two voices talking outside the door. When Alexander looked around, he could see he was attached to several machines. Now he knew what the beeping had been. He had been attached to a heart rate monitor, which had probably gone crazy when he started to panic again. Being quiet, he tried to listen to the conversation outside the door.

“I don’t care! He woke up, you were awake and said something to him, and next thing I know he’s freaking out again. I don’t care if you say you’re worried about him. We still don’t know what upset him initially and you clearly said something to trigger it again. I want you to leave.” Alexander heard Lafayette say, his voice angry and annoyed.

“I’m not going to. I want to make sure he’s okay before I do. And if you didn’t take my damn phone so I couldn't try and call John myself to see where the hell he is. we’d probably know where he is and we could probably get him here.” Thomas responded, sounding determined. It calmed Alexander a bit to know at least someone seemed to care if he was okay.

“Whatever. If you upset him in the slightest you will leave, I don’t care if I have to drag you out myself. The Washingtons are on their way anyway, I’m sure they’ll want it to be family only.” Lafayette spat, going back in the room and looking straight to Alexander, who was sitting up slightly, looking at him and Thomas, who had come in behind him.

Acting as if nothing had just happened, Lafayette sat on the bed next to him and pulling him into a gentle hug. “ _ Comment-aller tu _ ?” He asked softly, holding Alex.

“Shit.” He replied quietly, burying his face in Lafayette’s shoulder. He felt another dip in the bed where his feet would be if he hadn’t curled them close to his body. He knew Lafayette was probably glaring at him, but Alex didn’t care too much. He was perfectly fine having both of them there with him. He felt safer.

“Do you want to tell me what happened? You haven’t gotten this bad in over two years…” Lafayette said quietly, worry clear in his voice. Alexander only shook his head in response, Lafayette nodding. “Maybe not now, but I need you to tell me eventually okay?” Alexander nodded this time, pulling away from him and using the remote to move up the back so he could lean into it.

Alexander finally got a good look at Thomas as well, who looked like he hadn’t slept much. “How long was I out?” he asked in a scratchy voice, only just then realizing how thirsty he was.

“Two days.” Thomas told him, handing him a bottle of water, which Alexander took gratefully, taking a sip of it.

“Wouldn’t have been as log as that if you weren’t here.” Lafayette murmured, Thomas ignoring the comment. 

“Laf, can you go get me something to eat?” Alexander asked, pulling his knees to his chest. 

Hesitantly, Lafayette nodded and got up. “If I get back and you’re having another panic attack though, He’s gone, no matter what.” He commented sternly before leaving. Once he was gone, Alexander sighed softly and let his head flop onto his knees.

“You alright?” Thomas asked, setting the abandoned water bottle on the bedside table.

“Not at all…” muttered Alexander.

“You want to talk about it? My little sister gets panic attacks all the time, I know how shitty they can be.”

Looking up at the sudden new information, Alexander was surprised. While he wouldn’t say he absolutely hated his roommate, they certainly didn’t get along too well most of the time. Though somehow the information calmed him down. As much as he cared for Lafayette, he was quite overbearing at times. Alexander knew it was because he cared, but there were times it was too much, especially when he just needed to breathe.

Like now. And he noticed Thomas while being close enough if he needed anything, was far enough away that he still felt like he could breathe. “Not really…” He muttered, trying to keep himself calm as the memory of John telling him to leave, and that they were over, after five years of being together. Before he could register what he was saying, he heard his voice. “John dumped me.”

The silence that ensued after his comment stung, until Thomas finally spoke. “I guess it makes sense then why you’d be upset… Is that what caused you to freak out earlier?”

“Yeah…” he admitted. “He didn’t answer any of my calls, so I went to check on him…” Alexander said quietly, his voice shaky as he spoke. “When I showed up he acted like he barely knew me. Told me…”  He paused, a few tears escaping. “He told me I needed to leave, and that I was to much for him to put up with and-“ His voice cut of as a fresh wave of tears overcame him, Lafayette choosing that moment to come back into the room, holding a bowl of fruit for him. 

Setting it down on the side of the bed, he rushed over, pulling Alexander into a hug. “You need to leave. Now.” He told Thomas with a glare.

Alexander shook his head and pulled away from Lafayette, wiping off his face. “No… It’s okay… He can stay.” Thomas looked to Alexander, surprise on his face. He had expected him to have him leave.

“Are you sure?” Lafayette asked, Alexander nodding and leaning back into the bed, focusing on his breathing before it started quickening again. “Okay then… I guess…”

…

The next morning, George and Martha Washington arrived. As soon as they entered the room Alexander was sitting up, glad to see the both of them. Martha rushed over to pull him into a hug while George stood aside to ask Thomas, who was the only other one in the room at the time, how Alexander had been doing.

“Alright.” Thomas replied. “Though I can’t blame him for being so upset right now. Anyone would be in his position.”

“What do you mean?” George asked, raising a brow. Before Thomas could answer, Lafayette came in the room, rushing to Martha’s side where she now sat next to Alexander’s legs. “How are you feeling?” She asked, handing him a coffee she’d brought despite Lafayette’s protests it was bad for him while in his state.

Taking a deep sip from the cup, he gave her a weak smile. “Shit. I… I’ll tell you later… Laf or George would go commit homicide if they knew.” He explained, Lafayette frowning. 

“You know, it’s still weird we can’t get ahold of John. Does he have something to do with all this?” He questioned, Alexander frowning and looking away. Thomas looked over when he heard Lafayette mention John, a frown on his face when he saw Alexander looking down.

“You, know what? Alex, I heard the doctor mention you were allowed to get up and walk around the hospital. Why don’t you and Mrs. Washington go and walk to the cafeteria?” Thomas suggested before Lafayette could question him any more than he already had. He gave Alexander a small smile, Alexander looking up and relaxing, nodding at his suggestion.

“Yeah… That sounds nice…” He said, standing up slowly and stretching, the spot where he’d had the IV stinging a bit as he did so. “Let’s go…” Alexander took Martha’s arm, giving Thomas a grateful smile as he left the room, leaning on Martha’s shoulder and relaxing.

“Do you want to tell me now?” She asked, helping him stay steady as they walked.

“I guess…” He sighed softly, going quiet for a moment. “John dumped me… He… He said a bunch of shit about how shitty of a person I was and made me give the extra dorm key back…” At the explanation, Martha frowned, looking to him as they walked into the cafeteria. 

“I guess I can see why you didn’t want to tell George or Gilbert, though I assume you told Jefferson? He seemed quite worried about you in there.” Alexander only nodded in response, picking up a fruit bowl to get some more solid food in his system. “It’s good you’re talking to someone about it… Though it doesn’t seem like John to do that sort of thing. If he were to break up with you, I’d expect him be sweet about it and make sure you two stayed close.”

“Yeah… but he didn’t. He clearly doesn’t care what happens to me. If he did he’d be here at least making sure I didn’t relapse or something…” They paid for the food and sat down at an empty table in the corner. 

“I know dear… I think for now you should focus on other things so you don’t. Maybe start spending more time with Jefferson, he seems to care and want to help you.” Martha reached over and rubbed his shoulder. 

“Alright… And he does seem to. Laf keeps trying to kick him out, though you know how he can be… It’s too much with him sometimes, though I know his intentions are innocent. I know he cares.”

“I know, Alex. You can always talk to me though… I’m always here for you.”

With a weak smile, Alexander smiled to her, glad to have her in his life. Even if they both knew Martha could never take the place his mother had, she was damn close to taking that spot.


End file.
